‘When are you expecting?’ What to expect when you’re not expecting.

‘I’m not expecting anything. It’s just a food baby I have in here.’

That was once my reply to a former colleague who was asking me whether I was pregnant.

Since my wedding in 2016, people seem to have become obsessed with 3 B’s: my belly, babies and my body clock. 3 B’s and not one of them is Bibi.

Last month, I asked my husband how many times people have wanted to know whether he wanted children, was expecting or was trying to get pregnant. What do you think his answer was?

‘I can’t remember. Why, do people ask you?’

‘Yes darling, all the time.’

So I started listing some questions/statements I have been asked (told) so that he could begin to understand some of the conversations I have had.

‘Are you expecting?’

‘No? Why?’

‘When are you expecting?’

‘Can I ask you a question? Are you pregnant?’

‘Don’t you want children?’

‘You would be a great mum but you don’t want to be an old mum, do you?’

‘How old are you? Wow, I thought you were younger. You should get a move on.’

‘You’re too career minded, that’s the problem.’

These sorts of questions and statements and assumptions seem to have become a routine part of my conversations with others. If they were coming from friends and family, well that’s one thing. But most of the time, they’re not.

So let’s get this out of the way and be clear, it is never appropriate to ask a woman about this. Ever.

Some women may want to have many children, others may want none. Some women might not be able to have children, while others might have suffered miscarriages and other such issues. It’s an incredibly personal and loaded question which really has nothing to do with anyone else.

Personally, I have felt most hurt by comments that showcase a person’s biased opinion; the assumption that as a British Muslim Asian woman, I just want to become a baby making machine and not much else.

Years ago, when I was in my mid 20s, I was asked (told) that once a woman from my cultural background married, wasn’t it true that she just wanted children and did not care about her career? Most Asian women just wanted to become housewives, looking after their husbands and children because that’s what was expected, right?’

I was shocked to say the least, but all I replied was some half formed response about how women from my generation were different and things were changing. Then I walked away.

I regret walking away but honestly, I had no idea what to say. This was, after all, a time before Twitter, #WomenEd and #BAMEed. It was a time before I was #10%braver and I didn’t know how to deconstruct what had been said and challenge that person’s thinking. I didn’t understand the term unconscious bias in the way I do now. I wasn’t sure how to articulate to him that what he had said was absolutely derogatory, and an assumption that could be detrimental to a person’s career.

This sort of thinking, I believe, is contributing to women from ethnic minority backgrounds experiencing further employment disadvantage, despite many having achieved academic excellence.

It is hurtful to think that despite my qualifications and my experience, some people might still believe that as an Asian woman, all I was good for or all I wanted was to breed.

And so what if I did? Did that mean people would assume my career would take a back seat? What about if I chose not to have children? Would that mean I’d be seen as abnormal by a society which claims to be forward thinking?

The most important thing I have learned from #WomenEd is that it’s my choice. It’s my choice if and when I choose to have children. Ultimately, it is my choice, whether I continue my career or not. Truth be told, I love my job and I’m lucky to work in a school which promotes equality and women in leadership. There is nothing that says that as a British Muslim Asian woman, I can’t continue being a teacher and leader and mother-if that is the choice I make. The choice is personal and nothing to do with anyone else.

So, next time someone asks me whether I’m expecting, I’ll say this:

‘Yes I am expecting. Thanks for asking:

I’m expecting to have a great day.

I’m expecting all the students I teach to succeed and achieve greatness.

I’m expecting to be a better version of myself today than I was yesterday.

I’m expecting to see my husband, who will no doubt be waiting with a surprise (usually food) when I get home.

I’m expecting to visit my hero, my dad (also a #heforshe), who taught me what it means to be a hardworking and resilient woman.

I’m expecting to meet with friends who continue to teach me about self love and kindness.

So yes I am expecting. What about you?’

Yamina @msybibi