Change

Day 26: 20th April 2020

#DailyWritingChallenge

The beauty of Spring is that it epitomises change. The colours, the flowers, the new life show us that nothing ever stays the same. Now, as we spend our fifth week in lockdown, I’ve been able to stop and notice these changes, albeit from my window, more than I have in the past.

Many times during this lockdown I have felt suffocated by the four walls of my flat but the world outside has provided me with comfort. Life is about change, shouts the natural world, and so isn’t it our purpose to accept the changes and learn from it?

I make it sound so easy, don’t I? Some changes are easier to accept as they bring new opportunities and experiences. Others, not so much. It’s been hard to accept this change to my daily life despite knowing it’s purpose because I miss seeing my family, my friends, my students and my colleagues. What has helped me begin to accept in its impermanence is that hopefully I will get to see my loved ones soon.

Some of us won’t. Many of us have already lost our nearest and dearest and accepting this will never be easy. Grief is a funny thing. Some days you’re telling yourself that all is well and you feel able to accept this momentous change and then other days, you will be unable to move, to fathom what has happened and question why. Some days you’ll feel a sense of anger and the next day you’re in denial. And what happens if you are unable to say goodbye by attending a funeral or visiting the grave? How does one begin to acknowledge and accept the passing of a loved one without it?

I say this because I was unable to attend my mum’s funeral when she passed two years ago. I was on Hajj, completing my pilgrimage. On the day of my mum’s funeral, I was on my way to visit Madinah to complete the final stages of the journey. I remember sitting on the bus journey from Makkah to Madinah getting quite upset because I wasn’t at the funeral, whilst everyone was. So my husband realising that we could listen to it via the mosque radio, tried to access it on his phone. We were in the middle of what looked like a desolate landscape but he did it. And so, sat on this bus on the way to one of my mum’s favourite places, I listened to the Imam of the mosque say my mum’s name before leading the funeral prayer. And that was it. Since then, it has been hard to move past this grief and accept this enormous change in my life. Whilst this grief is always there, some days it’s easier to limit it’s influence over me once I acknowledge it for what it is.

For me, part of the process is to acknowledge even if I can’t accept. I pause, reflect and keep going because that is what works for me. I also let the people closest to me know when I’m struggling to deal with the changes I never asked for but that have happened. I am very thankful and appreciative to love and be loved because they help me when I can’t help myself.

And so, as I reflect on today’s theme of change, I think of those who have lost loved ones to Covid19 who were unable to be with them in their final moments or say goodbye at the funeral. I can only empathise but my words feel hollow as I say ‘I’m so sorry for your loss.’ What I want to say is: ‘your lives will change forever but we are here. We see you and we will do everything we can to help ease the pain of this loss.’

So change, we all deal with it in different ways but we deal with it because it is a part of human existence. By acknowledging this, we can begin to move through the grief it sometimes causes.